"Give me children, or I'll die!"

Between a vision that I believe is from God, reading "The Soulwinner" by Charles Spurgeon, the Outreach and Evangelism class I'm taking, and praying "dangerous little prayers", God is doing something in me that I don't quite know how to take. I find myself physically aching deep inside for certain people, who I know are not saved. I begin to pray for them and then find myself weeping uncontrollably from out of that ache. Lately, I find myself with the same physical and spiritual ache ( I have it now) when I think about the number of people I've led to the Lord (None. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Zip.). It hurts to know that I have been unsuccessful in doing something that Jesus tells us to do. I want to be able to please God in this way and know a party is breaking out in heaven because another lost sheep has been found. I want to do this for God because I don't take lightly the blood Jesus shed for me and for others. I want Jesus to know that what He did was worth every drop of blood He shed, every shred of skin and muscle He lost to the soldier's whip, every bit of suffering He endured for our sake.

I'm not exactly sure why I haven't connected yet in this way. I talk to people about God. I invite people to church, they seem interested in coming, but fail to come. Maybe I'm trying to do it too much in my own power. Maybe the people I have been trying to find common ground with and plant seeds in don't think they need Jesus. Maybe I haven't prayed and labored over them enough yet. Maybe there's another reason.

All I know is that I feel barren. Jesus is my Beloved and I am His, yet I remain barren of spiritual children. This is something that I cannot do on my own. There is an ache and a longing deep within me to have my Beloved partner with me and see spiritual children birthed. I feel like Rachel. Barren. Unfruitful. Less. Everything within me cries out, "Give me children, or I'll die!" Give me children.